Harry Potter and the Magic Rock
by Heindershmits
Summary: A well-written parody of Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone. Plz do teh R and R! Thanks... Chapter s  1 up!
1. Prologue of Awesomeness

HPATMR - Chapter 1: The Prologue

I don't own Harry Potter, or anything related to him. Nor do I own any copyrighted material in this story. Enjoy!

Trying to upload a new chapter once per week!

xxXxx

"So what's the plan?" the cat asked.

A dark shape appears against the background, almost invisible. "What I'm saying is that we should dump this retard at his uncle's house, have him eat sh*t for 11 years, then take him to Hogwart. I am not taking care of his son-of-a-bish." the figure said.

The cat nodded. "Very well then." it said before disappearing.

30 minutes later

It was a dark and cloudy night in the neighborhood. A dark figure sprinted off into the distance.

It was this moment that Mr. Dursley came home to Number 4, Privet Drive. The figure approached. It was a cat.

"What in the world is a cat doing next to my house?" he wondered aloud. Suddenly, the cat transformed into an old lady! No way!

"Yeah, you're going to be taking this kid who's apparently your nephew under your care for a good 10 years. Ok? Good!" the cat-lady rambled on. "Oh yeah, feel free to treat him as badly as you wish! Nobody cares of course. Also, continue to lie to him until he's 11 about his parent's death, and don't bother saying anything about Hogwarts. M'kay?"

Mr. Dursley just stared. He wasn't used to cats talking, even if they transformed into people. And it sounded like she was sprouting nonsense.

"Ah, here he is!" she said as a large, very chubby man came to Earth on a flying motorcycle. Also, a strange man with a pointed hat appeared.

"***********" Mr. Dursley said. "Punch me, I must be dreaming."

"If you say so," the cat-lady said and punched him in his face.

"Ouch!" Mr. Dursley exclaimed. "Well, I guess I'm not dreaming."

"Nope," the cat-lady said. She took the baby from the man on the motorcycle and gave it to him. "Good luck! You'll need it." With that, she disappeared.

The man with the hat walked up to him. "Yo Yo Yo!" he exclaimed. "Yeah, like, raise him, like, well. He's, like, going to grow up and, like, defeat an evil sorcerer. Got it? Peace!" Then he disappeared, leaving only Mr. Dursley and a strange child with a lightning-bolt zit to prove it really happened.

**Nearly 11 years later**

Harry Potter awoke at the sound of his Aunt Petunia rapping on his cupboard door.

"Wake up! NOW!" she screamed through the door. "I don't have all day! And I'm hungry!"

Poor Harry groaned and pulled himself out of his old mattress. It was going to be a long day…

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For the beginning, I tried to bring back my writing skills, but… It didn't quite work… And I think my randomness is gone too… All the cows outside my window are gone as well… If they were even there in the first place…


	2. The Missing Refrigerator

HPATMR – Chapter 2: The Missing Refrigerator

Eh… The interesting parts aren't coming 'til chapter 5, so just bear with me, m'kay?

xxXxx

So finally Harry woke up and opened his cupboard door to find Mrs. Dursley with a whip waiting for him.

"What took you so long, slave? Make breakfast now, on the double! And remember, if you burn the bacon again for whittle Duddy's birthday, I'll make sure the toilet is your home for the rest of your life!" she screamed in his ear.

Harry got up, and was about to make breakfast, when his uncle, Mr. Dursley, dragged him to the car.

"Alrighty boy, if one more thing happens during this zoo trip, I am going too completely leave you on the street for life! Got it? Oh yeah, we're going to the zoo."

Harry just stared at his uncle. He just remembered; His aunt and uncle were taking Dudley and his friend, Peter Pancakes, to the zoo.

His aunt dragged him back inside to make breakfast, screaming at him for burning the bacon.

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After a small freak accident with the toaster oven and a quick call to the fire department, Harry was allowed a small piece of bacon to eat before his uncle dragged him to the car. Pete had just arrived, and they were soon off to buy some groceries and head to the zoo. This would have been perfect, if Harry could breathe. He was stuck between Dudley and Pete.

When they finally got there, Harry was depressed. There was nothing to do. So, like an idiot, he started talking to the snake.

"Hullo Snake. I'm Harry. What's your name?" Then the snake started talking back.

"M'name's Bo. Bo A. Constrictor. Pleasure to meet you."

Harry decided he was crazy, but the decided to continue the conversation anyway. Not like there was anything else to do. "So, uhh… Bo, where are you from?" The snake jerked his tail to the visitor map on the left.

"Oh, so you're from Exhibit A?" The snake nodded vigorously. He made a movement that looked like a sigh and pointed to the sign again.

"You're supposed to live in hot climates? I thought that's what snakes like."

"Not all, amigo. I like the cold a bit better."

"But doesn't that kill snakes like you?" Harry wondered.

Don't ask questions! It's for the plot development. And you know what happens when he mess with the plot.

Harry knew. You were kicked out of the book. Not a happy thought.

Suddenly, Dudley came bursting in. "Oh mah God! That snake is moving!" he snickered and shoved Harry to the side to get a better look.

Harry rolled on his back and sighed. Nothing ever went his way. Then he became angry. Who was Dudley to tell him what to do? He decided to get his revenge as soon as possible. This, coincidentally, happened to be right now.

The glass cage disappeared, and then turned promptly into a refrigerator. Dudley screamed, and started complaining about the cold. The snake slithered out, but not before hissing one last thing in Harry's ear.

"Thanksss, amigo… Off to Antarctica I go!"

Harry couldn't explain what had happened, and by his aunt and uncle's looks, they didn't want an apology. They simply drove home, shoved him in the cupboard, and locked the door. (And possibly threw away the key)

It looked like Harry was going to be in there for a long while, so he made himself comfortable.

xxXxx

That snake's in for a long trip… o.0


End file.
